Ache
by Ethre
Summary: One seeks for love, and one rejects love. Love is beautiful. Love is ugly. They are only bound together by the thread of opposites and truths.
1. Chapter 1

_Take this ache away from my heart._

* * *

><p>It was…dull.<p>

I watched the trees outside through my partially-opened eyes. They were swaying in the wind, gentle dance movements that were as if trying to lull me to sleep. I had been blissfully distracted. Even if the people around me were in a hustle piling out of the room, I disregarded them. My awareness had probably turned nil. I wasn't even aware that the last bell had long rung.

"Zero, aren't you going home?"

Her voice filtered into my ears like a sweet, soft melody. I wondered if they would sound nice if she sang them out instead. Blended with the steady rhythmic pattering of the raindrops, it would probably sound almost melancholic. I'd most probably cry.

My eyes remained shut. I pretended I was asleep. She pretended that she didn't know. Because really, this kind of pretense had grown old on her. Sometimes, I felt sick doing it myself.

"…Tonight, you can come for dinner if you want. Father has been wanting to see you."

After she said that, she was gone. I didn't know how long it took for her footsteps to fade in my hearing. I didn't bother to count. It was pointless, anyway.

My eyelids fluttered open, and I soaked in the wet scenery outside, again. It was much more calming. Much more calming to be in contact with nature. Human's contact made my inside chaotic. No, I wasn't contradicting with myself. I'm a human, too. But unlike others, I found human contact to be a scary thing. They were hazardous, potential of tearing the life out of my body if I got too close to them.

I had learned that once. And I didn't wish to experience it another time.

Sometimes, I found it terribly sickening how it would haunt me. Because every time when it did, I would find myself frantically crawling to the toilet bowl, leveraging myself with all the will I had and vomited out the contents of my stomach pathetically. The aftereffects would churn my stomach horribly, making me feel disgusted as I flushed them away. The empty vessel of mine would crawl back to the room and lie itself on the floor like a mechanical machine, oblivious to the things that were in sight, to the slight noise that would ricocheted in the creaky walls once in a while.

I had felt like dying every time.

The rain was getting heavier outside, and I could even predict how fast the wind was blowing from the way the leaves were rustling madly outside, some being blown into the sky. The sun had long been hidden by the solemn clouds, and the field outside didn't look as brilliant as it would be like when it was full of people shouting about as they played.

Just now, she had thrown out such a desperate offer that I had to suppress myself from laughing. It wasn't sarcasm, but it was of dry amusement. It felt as if she was trying to find a way to get me to come, even as far as dragging her father into this… I hated that old man. I wouldn't go any closer to him even if what she had said was true. He was too loud, too jovial and it pained my eyes to see him moving so excitedly about in my sight. There was too much life, it made my insides lurched with an unfamiliarity.

Yuuki had known me since small. She had been close to me, but that was such a long time ago. She was adopted, but she didn't complain about her misfortune. It was probably why I hated that about her. It always kept me wondering if she could still smile if she was to be put into my shoes. If she could, then I would probably laugh at myself for having such a weak heart despite the tough shell people thought I embodied.

Ah, I was useless…Useless in every sense.

I closed my eyes while silently bearing the blames that were emblazoning word by word on my consciousness. It made sleeping hurt, but I managed.

When I woke up, it was already dark outside. The trees I saw earlier had already been swallowed into the darkness. I was not afraid however. I was already too used to this emptiness. My lips lifted into a wry smile as my inner voice reawakened to bombard me with their blunt truth. As I listened to them, I thought I had an inkling as to why it tore my heart with such a wound.

_You didn't do anything wrong._

_Your brother meant the world to you._

_It is only human instinct to protect what is important to them._

But you don't understand. I never did protect him. He lived painfully even till the very end. Say what you want. You're just bluffing using all those pretty words, anyway.

_You shield him from pain every night, didn't you?_

_You took his tears away till he slept._

_Have you forgotten all those memories?_

Shut up. You know nothing. Those memories meant nothing if he's already dead. I didn't save him, and that is the fact that kept reminding myself to never forget.

_You're sinking yourself into guilt. _

_This isn't what he wants for you._

As the voice echoed in my mind, I hurriedly stuffed all the books into my bag. Before it could let out yet another stream of bluffs, I held my hands over my ears and stormed out of the classroom. I ran so hard that all I could hear was the rapid sound of my breathing and the dull thudding of my heart against my chest. The footsteps that splashed into the puddle of water on the asphalt helped to drown the remnants of those foreign voice that had clouded my mind a few while ago. I felt relieved to have it disappear, even for just a moment.

In actuality, I didn't know where I was heading to. My mind was blank. It was only through familiarity that my own feet moved according to routine, on autopilot as they led me to the bus stop a few meters away. My labored breathing sounded loud when I reached there, and I struggled to mask the fact that I was conflicting with myself.

There was another person who was waiting there. That person had been staring at me ever since I arrived. I struggled yet again to calm down my breathing. My hand flew up to cover my mouth. Still, my chest was heaving so hard that it would be a lie if I said no one would notice. It was pointless, but I still tried.

It had been a few hours since school was over. The bus that would arrive in just a few more minutes was the last one. If I had been asleep for an extra minute longer, I would probably be spending my night in the school. But the idea wasn't so bad. I could hide from the school guard's torchlight and slept under the teacher's desk unnoticed. It was much more appealing actually, having to dispose myself of the sight of those white walls that cornered me each night in my own house. That bare white walls which had made such an impression on me when I had drank in their ugliness on that crimson night a month ago. Those walls which were stained with blood, with the blood that leaked out from his torn body, were a constant nightmare to me. In the middle of each fitful sleep I went through, there would be a moment where when I opened my eyes, I could see the blood slowly spilling down the walls in a complicated, intricate pattern.

And his face would come to live in my eyes for the rest of the night.

I lurched forward due to an invisible force that had seemed to surge from within.

Unfamiliar hands reached out to me. I looked up fearfully and saw that it was that person. That person who tried to penetrate past the glasses in my eyes with their amber eyes. I had said that I was scared of anything akin to human contact, but this one, I feared even more-

"Don't touch me." I bit out harshly. The roaring of engine chose that moment to made itself audible amidst the patters of rain on the pavements. I realized it was the bus. The bus had arrived and was opening its warmth to invite me inside. I swatted the stranger's hands away from my view and proceeded inside.

I took the seat that didn't give me the sight of that bus stop. The bus remained immobile for a few more seconds before the door made a definitive closing sound.

I realized that that person didn't board the bus as the bus started moving. Inertia brought my body forward but I persisted on looking back at the sight of that person still standing at the bus stop. The body wasn't moving the slightest. It remained still surrounded by the falling raindrops as their hands brought themselves upward in a slow motion, gathering the crystalline droplets.

It printed a sorrowful picture.

* * *

><p>The knocks on the door was awfully persistent. From the non-too-gentle rapping of hers, I could sense that she was angry.<p>

"You idiot! How long are you going to stay cooped up by yourself in there? All night, all day, looking like a lifeless person-"

"At least if you're going to stay like that, let someone- no, let me in and held you! You're alone, stupid! You need someone! I know you, you need someone to listen to you more than anything right now!"

The abuse on my door had stopped. My lashes fluttered open slowly. It was getting tiring, I thought.

I was tired having to hear someone stealing everything that was kept in my heart. I wished that she could just leave me alone.

"Zero!" Her voice was so painfully desperate that I could even hear the tears at the edges. She was crying. Oh, strong Yuuki is crying. She who I had always thought as the strongest among the two of us was crying.

_She doesn't want you to bear the guilt alone._

_You yourself understand that._

Of course I would understand. She is Yuuki. The only person who would never leave me alone despite how I tried to push her away. At this point, she was slowly growing to become a hindrance to me.

Then I heard her wail on the other side…It was clear and sad. Even the barrier between us couldn't separate those emotions from being conveyed to me. I had tried hard to avoid that. But she always managed to make my effort crumble right in front of me.

Something lurched inside me. I watched the wall knowingly, and almost had an urge to scratch my nails all over the walls. But I didn't because my stomach felt terribly sick. The only way I could get rid of that was to rush myself to the sink and vomit. When I looked back up, my brother was there.

In the mirror, looking at me straight in the eyes.

People told us we were a splitting image of one, the two sides of a coin. The only way they can differentiate us was through our demeanor. Ichiru was gentler and kinder. Yet, he never asked me to change the way I am. I was stubborn, unattractive and spiteful to people's eyes. He told me he loved that about me. I loved the way I am because he loved me that way.

Inside the mirror, it seemed like a happy place. Because in there, he was smiling. How beautiful this reflection the image captured. I would've loved to keep them as a memento in the photo album. We hadn't had much photo of ourselves in the past, and the pictures of him that I had in my hands, were just enough to keep me from not forgetting his face.

My mouth moved, wordlessly saying something to the image in the mirror. My inner voice that had became conscious once again was trying to restrain me.

_No. _

"Zero!"

Yuuki. But I barely heard her anymore as I was gradually swept away by the current of my sweet trance.

I trailed a finger on his face, and he smiled even wider. Ah, I…I-

Then suddenly, he was crying. There was no more smiles, no more joy in his eyes. I was overwhelmed with my own sadness.

His face twisted into something ugly. And before I could continue watching further, my fist flew up to crash into the mirror itself. The image shattered into pieces of fallen glass. The fragile crystalline sound of glass dropping was beautiful at that moment. But he was broken in front of me, broken beyond repair, and that was terrifyingly ugly.

I knelt onto the floor and screamed.

"Ze-Zero! Zero!"

Fading. Everything was fading in my sight. Everything had slowly become distorted, and I couldn't comprehend whatever that was happening around me anymore. My shaking fingers reached for a jagged piece of glass, only to have their skin bleed as the sharp tip grazed deep inside the flesh.

The blood flowed in a straight line on the wet floor.

I screamed again. My tongue tasted the distinct saltiness of heavy sorrow. It was poison, and because of it, my system had undeniably switched off from any function available.

In just that mere instant, I witnessed how my whole world went collapsing down.


	2. Chapter 2

If a person was to tell me how hateful I am, I wouldn't care. I would ignore them. But if a person was to direct that kind of remark to Ichiru, I would probably bite their fingers off without thinking.

"_Brother. This is really pretty."_

"_Huh? What is it?" I turned to look at him._

"_This pendant. See, the thing hanging in the middle looks weird." He giggled._

"_Where did you get that from?" I peered at in an uneasy manner. Dread had slowly crept up my conscience when I recognized it earlier. I discarded the book in my hand and adjusted my body so that I was now facing him completely._

"_From mom's cupboard."_

_I felt the blood rushing in my veins became just a tad bit faster._

"_B-but, Ichiru. That's-"_

"_Its weird but its fascinating. Don't you think so, brother?"_

"_Huh? Oh-" I nodded in a silent approval._

_Ichiru smiled. His eyes were shining brightly._

"_You do? Then, I'll give this to you to keep. It's my gift for you."_

_I blinked at the pendant that were now placed in my hands. Swallowing, I looked up again after a while, facing his cheerful face._

"_Wear it, brother. You'll look prettier."_

"_Pretty? Ichiru, I'm not-"_

"_Brother, please." He pleaded. How could I say no? There was never a time when I had said no to his plea. It was like an obligation for me to obey._

_Like an automatic switch, I began to put them on. They hung awkwardly around my neck because that weird little thing Ichiru had pointed out before was a little too big in size to complement my small frame. Anyone would notice if I wore this. And mom would definitely notice if I paraded around with that pendant adorned on my neck. _

"_See, it fits you." His voice sounded happy._

_Although I thought I looked a little strange, but I knew Ichiru's thoughts were more convincing to believe in. So in the end, I relented and let out a smile of my own._

The dream dissipated into tiny fragments of memories which were pushed back into the deep confines of my mind as I slowly regained consciousness. As my eyes opened to the present, I was hit with a sudden feeling of nostalgia. The windows were opened at my side, and the curtains were flapping gently in the slight breeze.

There was a full moon outside.

On that night, it was a full moon too.

The weight of my head on the pillow seemed to have intensified from the stressful remembrance, and it caused the pillow to dip further inside.

After the haze in my vision had gone away, I stretched a hand out and watched the view on the other side from the gaps in between. There were no lights except the moonlight to aid me. And on the other side of the gaps, it was identical to the reality I'm living at the moment.

What am I thinking? I had hoped that it would be a world where Ichiru was alive instead, and I would be watching how the two of us would still stick to each other like we would all those time.

It took me a while later to notice the bandages on my hand. When I brought up my left hand, I realized they were bandaged as well.

_Did it hurt bad?_

I turned on my side and inspected the cleanly wrapped gauze on my hands. I closed my eyes. This was one of those moments where that voice was trying to soothe me instead of aggravating my every nerve. It would be nice if it could stay like that. When this kind of voice filtered in my mind, I realized it was one of those time where it would be calm before the storm would brew again. I wasn't exactly ready to face all the heavy turmoil again, but I knew I was powerless in the matter of rendering them away.

There was silence in the next few minutes before it was broken by the creaking of the door. I wasn't asleep, but I pretended I am, just like how it had been ever since. The slight sound of tray clattering on a wooden surface was accompanied by the waft of something appetizing. I inhaled it and I thought I heard my stomach whined pitifully for attention.

"Zero."

Silence drifted again in the few intervals in which I lied motionlessly.

"When you woke up…please live a new you. Don't-don't ever stay as this horrible Zero anymore. It's unfamiliar and terribly painful to watch." Her voice wavered towards the end.

It didn't seem like she realized that I was awake. It seemed that this time she hadn't been able to see through this façade. It probably wasn't possible to judge anyway since my face was turned on the opposite side. But I felt glad I did. Because if she said this kind of thing to me while my eyes were opened, I wouldn't want her to expect me to answer anything.

"You're not the same anymore. Why have you changed so much? You're hurting not only yourself, but the people around you. Don't you realize that, stupid?" She whispered exasperatedly.

People around me? Who exactly? I was going to laugh. I bet if I voiced that out loud to her, her face would probably gone red. I bet I was even going to get slapped by her. Don't be so inconsiderate, she would say…I sighed inwardly, feeling exhausted all of a sudden. This was all too predictable. If she was going to do everything that I think she would, then I think I will be even more afraid of her.

Please, no more. Leave me alone.

"I know his death caused a big impact on you. But how could you lose yourself so easily like that? The Zero I know could not be defeated so easily-"

Then you don't really know me afterall, Yuuki.

I opened my eyes and my expression hardened silently as I continued to listen to her cries for the rest of the night. I never did sleep, giving entertainment to my mind as I guessed on the loads of word and feelings she would spill out to me. And it was all going too smoothly because she was saying exactly according to what I would thought she would say to me.

Care, concern, worry, affection-

I was scared of her. I wanted to be away from her.

* * *

><p>Two days after that, I got a tattoo on the left side of my neck. Now, that patch of pale skin was inked with a bold black tattoo that held the shape of that weird pendant Ichiru had liked. Growing up, I began to become familiar with that shape and in my mind, I recognized it as the double cross that had taken up almost a whole portion of impression in my memories whenever I thought of Ichiru.<p>

I particularly asked them to tattoo it on my neck. It was because the pulse underneath that skin marked my life. My life was his own. I wanted to carve his memories within me forever. If it meant bringing me to remember him every time I touched it, then I am willing to bear even the hot, burning pain of that needle as it pierced deep into my skin.

_You don't understand. _

_You have to let it go._

The voice inside sounded tired, as if giving up.

I clung my fingers onto the railings and gave a wry smile to the sky. The wind was strong as it blew my hair in all direction.

"You're on the rooftop again."

It wasn't a question, but clearly a statement from the flat undertone she held. My smile faded as I recognized it straight away, but I didn't bother to turn and look. Instead, I had the sudden urge to climb over the railings and stood there.

"What are you doing, Zero?"

There was panic in her voice now. I finally looked back at her with steely eyes.

"What do you think I'm going to do?"

She shook her head frantically, eyes widening in horror. She knew very well what I was going to do, but didn't try giving voice to it. Underneath my feet, the earth laid a distance far enough from me to make my whole body broken if I jumped and crashed on it. She was afraid her words might just be the right button to spur me on.

I began shouting in irritation. "I'm going to kill myself if you're here any second longer, so go away!"

"Ze-Zero."

"I said leave!"

You know, I wasn't trying to lie or anything. I actually found pleasure imagining how my body would be if I jump right this instant. So it was her choice.

She visibly swallowed, face twisted in desperation. Her eyes were a little uncertain. She gave me a final glance before she turned her back on me and ran away.

I was alone again on the rooftop.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N : Thank you for all the reviews and favorites I got for this story. They are really my motivation to update each chapter faster :)

* * *

><p>Before your death, I had only one thing in life that I regretted, that if I could, I would turn back time and be in your place instead.<p>

When I saw you, with your whole arms connected to the complicated tangles of tubes, your body motionless and your face devoid with any emotion except tranquility, I wept in the silence of the hospital room. You were never meant to be like this if it wasn't for me.

* * *

><p>This might be the biggest fight we ever had. You were haphazardly throwing hurtful words to me, and I was riled up as well because of your anger. You had never been angry in your life. I made you angry. Because of that, I continued to blame myself for it until now.<p>

* * *

><p>"Brother, why do you think they hate me?"<p>

I watched him who was staring out of the window. His eyes were glimmering under the bright shine of the moonlight, but he wasn't smiling nor expressing anything on his face. It was completely empty.

"Huh? What-" I frowned heavily. "Ichiru, don't say things like that. No one hates you."

"They were only angry at me, but not you." It sounded a little bitter. What is the difference between you and me, that remained unvoiced.

I kept silent.

"You looked like me. People always told us we were alike. I don't understand. Where did it went wrong?"

He suddenly cried.

"Ichiru, stop crying. You're over-thinking things!"

It was hard trying to get him to sleep after that. But I had to before he would succumb to his self-depression. He had been having this frequent routine of questioning and then crying in the end. It was hard for me to look at, and I tried to let him see the optimistic outlook from everything.

They love you. Didn't the teachers at school say that parents who showed anger towards their children actually cared about them?

It was what I would normally say to reassure him. But inside, I found my heart swelling for lying. Albeit I myself would like to believe them, the truth the reality held strayed too differently from the truth held by those words. But it was the only thing I could use to ease his frantic heaving.

When he was asleep, I had to pay the price of those lies by having a fitful sleep. I had never intended to lie to him.

It was because of those nights when I had stumbled upon their fights that I had to opt for this kind of lie.

I didn't expect it would happen tonight as well. It didn't started out just bad. It turned out worst right from the start.

They were talking in the hallway downstairs, and I was up because my restlessness had made me thirsty. It wasn't intentional, it was merely coincidental that I heard them.

"Do you know that I have no money to pay for all his medical fees? I was fired from my job, had no money to buy food and not even enough money to buy alcohol. Are you trying to drive me crazy by asking me for such a huge sum of money?"

I could sense that man was getting out of control again. It was not rare. Ever since he divorced my mom, he seemed to have gotten more and more uncontrollable. He reeked of alcohol stench and looked messy with his stubbles and tousled hair.

"Then what am I going to do? The hospital kept on contacting me, kept on persuading me to have his surgery done before it gets any worst! And we're almost out of food because you hadn't send us any money this month either!"

"I told you just now that I have no money to buy my own food either! So would you just stop being so annoying and let me off the hook?"

"But you still hold responsibility towards us! You can't just abandon us like this-" She was tugging onto his coat like it was her lifeline. But she was easily pried off as he forcefully shoved her to the floor with his whole strength.

"That is not my business anymore, woman! You think of something yourself! Afterall, you're the one who gave birth to such a weak and unhealthy boy!"

Before she even got another say in the matter, he had slammed the door shut right in front of her face. She cried the rest of the night near the doorway, curled into a ball as she hid her wet face in her folded arms.

I didn't dare to unconceal myself from the darkness. I stayed there like a statue, watching for what seemed like an eternity before I decided to ignore my thirst completely. I went back to bed with dry lips and even drier tongue, unable to speak a thing as I struggled to find peace within myself. I was shaking from head to toe, and I was never this glad to have Ichiru sleeping while his brother was having a panic attack.

The next morning when I woke up, it was to the sound of a loud wail. The familiar cries pierced my eardrums painfully and I was bombarded with so many questions in my head that I lost my footing more than once as I rushed downstairs. I knew something was wrong the moment I found Ichiru wasn't beside me in bed.

"No! I don't want to go anywhere!"

His face was the wettest I'd ever seen when I reached the scene. His nose was red and runny and his eyes were never dry from tears. My eyes widened in horror as I watched him being dragged to the door by my mother.

I ran towards them as fast as I could.

"M-Mom, what are you doing?" I asked with a trembling voice, hands already tangled with her own to get her to release Ichiru. I didn't know how from just that one night, she could change so much. Her face that I was looking up at at the moment wasn't the same face I had known over the years. She looked scary, like a cold murderer that had been stripped of from human's emotions.

"Your father was right." Her lips lifted up into an ugly smile. "It was my fault for giving birth to such a useless boy like him. I should discard him together with the garbage, Zero. That way, we'll have an easier life."

"Wha-what?"

I found it disbelieving.

In just one night, her sanity had been crushed.

I was in tears knowing that Ichiru had to hear this kind of thing. He was never meant to be revealed to this ugliness.

The next thing I felt was her hands latching themselves onto the collar of my shirt to throw me aside. Her strength brought me colliding against the wall near the doorway. In the depth of my mind, I was aware of the fact that Ichiru's wailings had stopped.

I regained my will and ran outside, to where she was heading down the road. In this poor neighbourhood, the garbage site smelled terribly bad because of its dumping system. As far as I remembered, it had been three months since the garbage truck had come to pay a visit to the neighbourhood.

"Mom!" I yelled out desperately as I tried to catch up with her long strides. She was dragging Ichiru only by his wrist, and I could feel how painful it would be for him to bear.

"Mom, Ichiru is our family!"

"If you want to be with him so bad, then be my guest and stay with him! That would get rid a huge burden from my shoulders!" She snapped, her eyes flashing red in a threatening manner before she released her grip on Ichiru's wrist and left him there.

My knees unbuckled and I sat on the pavement as she stormed past me, returning in the direction of the house without as much as a backward glance.

Like I had thought, the smell was bad and flies were flying all around, together with the maggots that swarmed over the rotten food. Ichiru sat like a lifeless doll near those godly mess. Because he wasn't moving, I had to make an effort to crawl towards him.

I cupped my hand over his nose.

"You'll die if you continue staying here. Let's get away from here."

He threw a sharp glare at me before disentangling my hand off.

"You lied."

"Ichiru…"

"You said she loves me."

"She does-"

"Lies, lies! You're just like her, throwing lies into my face only to make me believe in them throughout the years."

"I would never do that!" I got terribly upset hearing him say that that my voice rose the highest it had ever been with my brother. It was to defend myself because he was the last person who I needed to have the wrong impression on me.

His glare didn't falter, yet my own defense melted because of the intense heat of his eyes. I hung my head low.

"I didn't mean to. I-I'm sorry. I did that because I…I just wanted-"

"I hate you. I really hate you." He fisted the area above his heart. Tears were gathering in his eyes. At that moment, all I wanted to do was just to clear those glasses that had formed in them.

Before I could reached a hand out, he had shoved me on my back and ran away from me. I became frantic and pushed myself up to my feet as swiftly as I could, wanting to run after him.

"Ichiru!" I used my whole energy to call out his name.

He didn't stop. Not like those time when we would play catch together, and he would stop whenever I said that it was enough and he should stop running already because his brother was tired. The vivid image of his laughing face came into mind instantly as he backtracked to pounce on me then. It was snowing at that time, and I remembered how hard I fell into the pile of snow because of him. But we had laughed them away like it was nothing.

Those were the beautiful days.

I wondered if it would ever come to live again. Because he had said with such intensity in his eyes, that he…he hated me.

"Ichiru!" My voice had gone hoarse from shouting, and with each call, it had gotten weaker and weaker.

When we played catch, I could never catch him. No, not even once. He had nimble legs. He ran really fast. And I was afraid that I'm going to lose him because this time, his feelings for me had changed and he would not heed to my pleas to stop any longer.

Am I going to lose him, the vague thought invaded my mind in the midst of the blurred sceneries that rushed past me.

We had reached the crosswalk by then.

"I did that because I didn't want you to be hurt!"

I was only faintly aware that I was confessing in the middle of an open area. If I had time to reflect on my own action, I would probably think twice before doing so. But I didn't have those luxury at the moment because everything had suddenly turned out to be so crucial. If I didn't do this, then I'd probably lose him.

I thought that if it isn't now, then it would be never.

"I love you, Ichiru! But you never knew-" The rest of the words died down on my tongue. I sobbed into my sleeves helplessly. When I looked up, he had stopped running.

But it was in the middle of the crosswalk. The light had turned red for passengers. In that split second, I felt my heart pounding frantically in my ribcage as the realization hit me hard.

_No._

"Ah."

I could see his solemn eyes looking at me. There were no hints of those hatred that he had previously claimed rimming his eyes. There were only sadness.

From the corner of my eyes, I saw a car heading into his direction.

_No. Ichiru, run_.

My feet began moving.

"ICHIRU, RUN!"

Like a whirlwind, everything happened in a blink of an eye. I felt like I was in a trance because after that, it had all became incomprehensible to me. The remnants of tears from before continued trailing down my cheeks.

"Someone call an ambulance!"

"There's a kid who's been hit-"

"Mama, I'm scared!"

"Oh, don't look, Chizu-"

"He's stuck underneath the tyre!"

My mouth fell open, but no audible sounds came out. The weight of the situation crashed me as I took in the blood that smeared the road, leaking from the crushed body underneath to flow into the small drain nearby. My chest began contracting irregularly. The chaos around me buzzed like an insistent tick to my senses. My whole system rejected the reality of the present, and I struggled to regain control.

"Hey, are you alright?"

I screamed to drain away the pain in my whole body. Inside, outside, everything was convulsing.

It was the first time in my life where I felt like dying would be the best solution to everything.

* * *

><p>You were brought to the hospital then. Emergency rang all the way from the scene of the accident to the hospital. I only knew this when I woke up a little later to find a man beside me. He claimed that he was the one who had saved me when I fainted.<p>

"You're his twin, aren't you? The two of you had the same face. Weren't you shouting to him before the accident?"

I had refused to talk. I had refused to thank him even if he was the one who had brought me to the hospital and accompany me by my side until I was awake. With an apologetic face, he left me to my own silence.

My mind was blank even if I tried to think.

It was probably a few while later when I managed to get my body working, letting my feet drag me across the cold white tiles, having nothing but him in my mind the whole time. I slid the door open with my own sheer will and seeing him outside with a phone held close to his ear, I murmured lowly.

"Where is he?"

"Ah, don't move yet. You aren't quite-"

"Shut up, and answer me!" I was on the verge of losing myself.

"He's…He's still in the emergency room at the moment."

"Where is this emergency room?" I heard my voice broke. I thought he saw me weakening from the look on his face which had changed sympathetic.

Without another word, he guided me to the second block. My head felt heavy despite the short walk and I stumbled more often than I think should be necessary. But I refused help when he tried to offer to lend me a hand.

Outside the emergency room, there wasn't anyone waiting. The man seemed to take notice of that, too.

"Do you have anyone who I could contact?"

"No."

"Parents? Relatives?"

I bared my teeth at him. No one like that exists in my life anymore.

"Don't bother."

Right after I said that, he sat down beside me, completely unaffected by my animosity towards him. Silence stretched between us in which I fought to stay on the surface of my consciousness. My head was still feeling heavy, and I thought if I didn't let them hung haughtily, it would probably collapse. I gazed at the ceiling above. The silent wait was eating me from the edges.

It was my fault.

That one realization sent tremors down my spine, and I shuddered in fear at the thought of facing the next few moments.

If-If he…

I had curled up in defeat, dropping my head into my arms in an attempt to seek refuge to what little security I could get. I felt a hand settling itself on top of my head, but I was at my weakest and couldn't find the will in me to push them away. For every extra warmth I could get at that moment, I was helpless to refuse because deep inside, I knew I wanted it more than anything else.

It must felt like an eternity because every second was painfully agonizing to go through. I waited in dread, in fear, in cold sweat for what would come out of that door. It was like waiting for judgment to a crime, waiting and waiting, and hoping you would get another chance to mend everything that had gone wrong, to fix back everything so that it would go back to the way it should've been right from the start.

I wished for you and me to be happy like I how pictured in my mind. I wished nothing would change between us.

"You're not alone right now. You can let someone like me in for a moment."

I choked on my own breath because of his gentle words. It seemed that everything inside me was awfully sensitive. I was at my weakest because Ichiru was on the brink of slipping between the gap of my fingers.

Without any retaliation, I let him pull me to his side. He went to rub my shoulder comfortingly. I could only succumb.

My body had been numbed by the time the emergency light went off. A doctor filed out through the door, but I couldn't move. I could only stay seated and curled into myself tighter. The bloody sight of that accident flashed past my mind, but it was only for a brief moment because I refused to allow it to be burnt to the back of mind forever. I didn't wish to keep this ugliness as a part of my memory. I didn't want to live remembering it. If there is a remedy or any cure that could make me amnesiac to this scar in my life, I would gladly give my everything for it.

The man took charge of the situation as he stood up and went to the doctor urgently.

"How is he, doctor?"

I heard a brief silence floating in the tense air. But I still didn't dare to bring my face up.

"We have both bad news and good news. Fortunately, he made it through… But I'm afraid he will have to live paralyzed for the rest of his life."


	4. Chapter 4

"_Ichiru, can you hear me?" I touched his face, fingers pressing all too delicately on his skin._

_He wasn't responding. _

"_It's Zero." I smiled, bringing my face closer to him as I stared into his eyes. Those orbs were unmoving, seemingly unseeing, but that didn't deter me. _

_My forehead touched his. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. _

"_It will be just the two of us from now onwards."_

Ah.

A single drop of tear escaped as I blinked my eyes open.

"Zero, open the door. You're going to be late for school!"

I sighed and made an attempt to push myself up. My head felt a little dizzy. Usually when that happened, it indicated that I hadn't had enough sleep. I was vaguely aware of how restless I had been as I tossed and turned under my sheets throughout the night.

It had been seven years since mom left us, seven years since we lived by ourselves in this house which mom had abandoned, and six years since you left me. It had been a year since I coped with your death, but I never had been able to get over it. Even until now, I lived my life with you surfacing between my reality and dreams.

"Zero!"

The house had always been silent with the two of us. With me occasionally talking to you so that you wouldn't feel too bored all the time and telling you little events that had happened during the morning period where I stepped out of house to attend school. When you were still alive, Yuuki wasn't this persistent. But with your death, she claimed that the changes that had happened in me was unacceptable. She started becoming more outspoken, more demanding as she came and obnoxiously threatened me to open the door every morning.

I knew I didn't change, Ichiru. Because I could still feel that same emotions rushing in me whenever I thought of you. She was just being paranoid.

"If you don't come out, then I won't stop bugging you!"

Like I could ignore that when she phrased it like that. Knowing her, she probably wouldn't budge from the door an inch unless I opened it. I had my own limit of patience, and I knew I wasn't keen enough on staying stuck listening to her calling out to me each single second.

I was ready in ten minutes.

"What took you so long? I would've probably kicked that door down if you spend another minute ignoring me inside."

What a thing to say. People wouldn't expect someone with such a pretty and gentle face like that would be able to speak out such extremities. Then again, she only speaks this way to me. Perhaps, I had understated the number of years we had known each other. Both of us had probably grown too familiar with each other over the years to not have those boundaries that should've existed between a male and a female.

The boundaries between us at the moment was indecipherable. It wasn't in any category I found accessible for referring. Something was off.

"Zero!"

Her gasp broke my train of thoughts. We were currently walking to school when she had suddenly burst into a fit of panic nerves in the middle of the street. It was peaceful until then.

She leaned over. I instinctively pulled back, but not quite enough to avoid her hand which was reaching out to pull my shirt collar away from my neck.

"Since when…?"

I pried her fingers off. I didn't like explaining to her questions. Having to tell the reasons sometimes drained me emotionally. I disliked baring anything of myself to others. Therefore my response was merely a shrug of shoulders before I walked ahead of her.

"Zero, you know tattoos are prohibited in school! What would the disciplinary teacher do if he caught you with it?"

"Let him do what he wants. I don't care." I thought it would be stressful for me if I have to worry about every single thing like Yuuki did. Because it wouldn't only be restricting myself, but it would also be tiring to be so cautious all the time.

"There you go again."

Her footsteps made a halt behind me. I didn't falter, however. I knew what she meant. I knew she was tired of me behaving so nonchalantly in each and every matter. She must see me as someone annoying, arrogant and too proud for his own good. I thought it was better that way. As a matter of fact, I think she should've been viewing me that way since a long time ago.

It would put a distance between us. And it'd do both of us some good.

"Idiot!" She shouted angrily.

I sighed. I didn't have the desire to say anything in reply, so I merely brushed her off and proceeded like it was nothing.

I had even threatened to kill myself if she came nearer. But did that deter her from approaching me later? No. It was like she had forgotten all about it the next time she saw me. She was as stubborn as a mule…

_Brother, you can be so stubborn at times._

"It was only for appropriate reasons. Not like her nonsensical reasons." I muttered to myself. A slight frown began to mar my face.

I felt uneasy discovering that this similarity might probably be the reason why I had been so tolerable towards her. Or maybe, it was because I felt indebted. Her father, Kaien Cross, was afterall the man who had taken both me and Ichiru in after the incident. He was also the man who had continuously paid for Ichiru's medical fees after he was discharged from the hospital.

Ichiru had a weak body since small. He could get sick easily because his immune system was low. Mom expressed her agony through the countless tantrums she threw on him. During those time, I was the one who would be there to shield all the onslaughts of her piercing words as I hugged him close to my body. When it had ended, he would cry in my arms and it would just be another night that will be filled with soft whispers of soothing comfort.

I could understand why Ichiru felt so insecure. But at the same time, I wanted him to feel that he had me in his world. It wasn't just mom. He had me. I'm willing to do anything for him, for him to smile and be happy. I wanted him to see me as his world.

I love him. Perhaps, too much that…that it eats me from inside whenever I remembered him.

I suddenly wavered in my steps. My vision suddenly became blurry. This wasn't uncommon. It happened when I found myself too immersed in the past. I knew thinking of the past will only worsen my condition, but how can I possibly forget them when they had been the moments I wish to keep forever in my memories? How can I possibly throw them away when they had been the only memories that reminded me of Ichiru?

I-I can't.

I found a narrow and dark alleyway where the morning lights wouldn't seep in and hid myself in it. It helped. Because in this darkness, I seemed to be able to find myself better than in the lights.

It was my solace, this darkness that enveloped me both from outside and inside.

* * *

><p>Akatsuki Kain was waiting outside of the school gate when he noticed the girl who was always sticking beside Zero came by.<p>

His first instinct was to grab her arm.

"W-What?" It looked as if she was deep in her own thoughts before that. But the thoughtful look was wiped off from her face as she now blinked in surprise at him.

"Where's Zero?"

She stared at him for another moment before frowning. Zero was separated from her a while back. She had thought that he would've already arrived by now since he had went on without her. It got her worried then as she mulled over it.

"I don't know. Why are you asking for him?"

She didn't get a reply despite her inquiries. All he did was to sigh. She could only watch as he casually turned on his heels after that, walking past the school gate and into the school compound with his school blazer slung over his shoulder.

Yuuki vaguely recognized him as one of the seniors from the elite class. And she had to wonder what mess did Zero get himself into this time to be involved with the other.

* * *

><p>When I reached school, I knew I was late. The disciplinary teacher was standing near the gates, seemingly punishing the few students that had arrive late as well.<p>

"Get down on your knees and put your hands behind your head! Say after me-"

He was apparently distracted, busily pointing out and yelling angrily to those poor students who cowered in fear in the presence of his deafening voice. I was saying the truth when I said I didn't care what he was going to do to me if he caught me, but that didn't mean that I enjoy being punished by him. And at the moment, I was in no mood to listen to anyone roaring obscenities into my ears. With my current annoyance, I might probably snap before I could even restrain myself.

So the best option was to avoid him.

I went around the school gates, where it led me to the back of the school. I threw my bag over before climbing the low walls myself. These low walls here had probably been climbed over numerous times by students who had a whim to leave school in the middle of the class. It was surprising how this place had never been discovered by the teachers. But it was all good. I had benefited myself through this walls countless of time. So I wouldn't complain.

"Hello."

I thought my heart just leaped into my throat as I completely froze. I turned around later only to meet with a face that bore calm eyes and a polite smile. However, I still found the whole situation unpleasant.

"Running away from Yagari-sensei?"

I smiled. Obviously, with sarcasm. "You bet I am. So are you going to report on me now?"

I thought he screamed every bit like the prefects from the Student Council. With his neat and polite appearance, calm and controlled demeanor and a firm-sounding voice. I could only guess that he was out on his daily patrol when he saw me.

I picked up my bag that was on the grass and looped it back onto my shoulder.

"If you're going to report on me, then why don't you arrest me now? You'll get merits from Yagari that way. He'll definitely look at you in a better light." That teacher had been trying to find faults in me for as long as I remember. He was practically looking forward to seeing me kneel before him. It seemed that capturing the faults in me had been his favourite past time recently.

Despite what I had said, the prefect reacted like it was completely normal. I was a little pulled off by his composure.

"Worry not… I won't report you if you could give me this in exchange."

"What is it?"

"Your name."

Naturally, I was dumbfounded.

He smiled. I began frowning. It was weird.

"What? You're going to write my name out and give it to Yagari then? You're still reporting on me that way."

He waved his hands casually. "It's not for that purpose. But I understand if you've misunderstood me."

At this point, I had grown to be wary of him. This person, with his refined face and gentle amber eyes that seemed to naturally soak into your vision, it was like seeing something unreal. He was the epitome of an ethereal beauty. It was awkward for me to admit it myself, but it was also a truth I can't deny. His appearance seemed so out of place that I almost had the urge to ask if he really belonged here.

Overall, he looked kind and harmless.

"Zero Kiryuu."

His smile widened.

Finished, right? I'll just assume that the exchange had been made and he'll have nothing to do with me anymore…

"I'm Kaname Kuran."

I had just walked a few steps until he said that, successfully stopping me in my tracks. But I did not turn. For some reason, I found that facing him bring forth a heavy feeling in me, like I was defying gravity or something. It was incomprehensible.

"I hope we will see each other again later."

I almost thought of turning around just to shot him my incredulous face. See each other again? Who was he kidding? Instead of turning, I laughed instead. I was surprised myself. It had been such a strange thing to say. And it was so out of the blue. To add to the strangeness, he sounded so friendly it was almost ridiculous.

"Of course."

As if we will.

* * *

><p>Well. I hadn't quite expect him to be so sarcastic all the time. Nevertheless, I thought it was interesting.<p>

Zero, right? I was right when I deemed that he was unique. Different from the rest. And there is this strong feeling in me that kept pushing me to want to know about him.

In my entire life, I had been subjected to normalcy that it sickened me to my stomach when the realization finally dawned on me. Each day had been the same, each faces I see everyday had been the same and the routines had been repetitive throughout my whole living years. It was starting to get dull, tiring. I wanted something different this time. If only for a while, I wish it would help to sprinkle colours into this gray world of mine, where things cease to become abstract in my life any longer.

Since the day I first met him at the bus stop, I thought I had found something colourful. Despite the gray clouds that hung solemnly above, despite the raindrops that pelted the earth dully, his presence that appear had radiated something so foreign that I thought it was almost fascinating to be immersed in.

That day when I had shivered underneath the rain, I came to another realization that I thirsted for someone to quench this emptiness in me. As his face burnt itself into the back of my mind, I found myself yearning. Yearning for him. That feeling had painted the white canvas in me in such an abstract way that I remained attracted to it, even until now.

And today, seeing him again for the second time, that colours continued to swirl on the canvas again.

It was a beautiful feeling. I was swayed by it, charmed by it and helplessly drowned in it. It had been such a long time since someone could excite me this way. He was the only one who could.

I knew I had found it then.

Love.


End file.
